The prompt: After drinking a few too many eggnogs at your annual holiday party, you wake up the next morning realizing you did some things you now regret. Write an e-mail to your boss that will ensure you still get a raise next year.
Dear Ms. Jones,
As I sit here recovering from what I can only assume was a severe case of behavior-altering food poisoning, I decided to write you this letter to apologize for Saturday night. The work that you put in to create such a lovely and memorable holiday party for our group is much appreciated. My husband and I had a delightful time.
When we first arrived, I hope you can forgive me for brushing past you to get in line at the bar. Out of concern for my fellow coworkers (and one day maybe my subordinates), I wanted to make sure the bar and its bartender were of the utmost quality. I did not realize at the time that the bartender was your boyfriend when I dropped my keys three times forcing him to bend over in front of me. Had I known that he had volunteered out of the kindness of his heart, I would not have smacked his bottom quite so hard nor would I have instructed him to shake what his mother gave to him. I am certain that his mother (God rest her soul) was a lovely woman. Hopefully you were able to see my assertive nature and how well I am able to motivate people.
I know that family is important to you so I hope that you were able to view firsthand the commitment shared between my husband and I. The multiple shots of tequila we drank encouraged my husband to become quite amorous. He enjoyed the conversation you and I were having so much that he felt it necessary to show his appreciation. Our company often encourages diversity and embracing different cultures. I don’t want to brag but I do study different cultures in order to better myself. In some cultures it is a sign of great respect when a man “motorboats” a woman in a public place. My husband felt very drawn to the point you made about helping the homeless on Thanksgiving and he wanted to express his appreciation. After I stopped cheering and laughing, I hope that you took notice of the way I conveyed constructive criticism. Next time I assure you my husband will not leave as much saliva on your sweater. I plan to follow up with him to confirm my instructions are followed.
I think I can speak for everyone in attendance when I say that the karaoke machine was a great idea. It was such fun to see everyone singing their favorite tunes and dancing with the group. Being a team player, my choice of song was meant to be a team building opportunity. I thought the team would get a kick out of singing along to the uncensored 2 Live Crew medley I created at home. I do not believe the song choice itself was to blame for the fight though. I don’t think our Human Resources Manager was a fan of the interpretive dance I performed on her husband’s lap. I did try to make it clear to her that her husband seemed to enjoy it. She did not seem to be receptive to my suggestion about removing the company’s policy manual from her rear end in order to please her husband better. I always thought that the Human Resources department was interested in helping people improve but I guess I was wrong. I think that you will be pleased though that I was able to go through the proper channels in HR to diffuse a volatile situation. I also think that I displayed good self-control when I stopped myself from punching her in the face a fourth time.
It was very kind of you to provide escorts to help us to our car. I think it speaks highly of our company that the local police officers are willing to provide services at our holiday parties. I did want to make sure and let you know that some money will need to come out of our budget to pay for one of the officer’s dry cleaning bill. The food poisoning really kicked in after my eighth whiskey and I was violently ill. I am so glad to hear that no one else in the department drank the whiskey that night (or at least I assume that since no one else seemed as sick as I was). Next year we may want to buy a different brand of whiskey to avoid this situation. I think you will find that I am able to discover areas needing improvement and am quick to offer a solution.
Again, I apologize if my illness on Saturday caused you any distress. Looking back, I should have continued drinking tequila after my sixth shot instead of switching to whiskey but we live and learn, right? I am looking forward to my performance review this week and hope that you will consider me for advancement in the department.
Sincerely,
Sara
P.S. My husband and I would like to invite you and your boyfriend over for a party next week. It will just be a handful of close friends. Please bring your keys and an open mind.
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