The Artist's Way

For anyone who has toyed with the idea of reading and following the 12-week program “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron, I HIGHLY suggest doing it.  If you are making excuses that you are too busy and you don’t know how on Earth you would be able to work it into your life, I call your bluff on that because you have more free time than you think.  I work full time, have 3 young sons who have many activities, and I understand chalking things up to being “too busy” but, it is only an excuse.  If you feel creatively blocked in some way, this book is a fabulous way to find your path again. 

I am just starting Week 5 of the program and I’m also part of an online group where we check in each week via a blog and Facebook.  The check-in process has been good because it helps to keep me accountable.  However, even without it, I think I would still be following the program within the book. 

I have been creating a lot lately even before I started the book.  Where I have felt blocked is in deciding what I want to be when I grow up (so to speak).  I like my job and I get to work from home, which I am very thankful to be able to do.  I am good at what I do because my job requires me to be very organized and detail-oriented.  Those are some of my strengths.  Conversely, I also have this creative side that I am not able to use in my day job.  Instead, I spend all of my free time using my creative side, whether it’s in the morning before work, on my lunch break, at night, or sitting on the sidelines of a soccer game crocheting while I watch.  I will squeeze the heck out of every spare minute I have to be creative – like boa constrictor squeeze.  Insert lame boa constrictor drawing here...

I have been feeling, for a while now, like I am meant to do something different with my life.  I just have not been able to figure out what that is.  I also haven’t been able to figure out how to combine my strengths.  My logical, organized, detail-oriented self has never become formerly acquainted with my creative, always looking for beauty, artsy self.  I started “The Artist’s Way” with the hope that it would lead me to my true path.  I did not expect to have my whole life mapped out after 12-weeks.  I really wanted to just open myself up to possibilities and maybe end up with a rough draft mapping where I need to go. 

One of the essential pieces of the program is the Morning Pages.  Basically, every morning you just write – stream of consciousness style.  I was not sure if I would stick with this but I have.  I actually enjoy it now.  This type of writing removes all of those negative and “blah” thoughts from my brain before I start my day.  Also, as an emotional bottler (one who bottles her feelings), this has been very good for me.  It has helped me to identify some feelings that typically, I would just try to ignore.  I have never been one to keep a journal but I have enjoyed the Morning Pages and I have learned about myself as a result.  These Morning Pages have also helped me discover what I think may be my path.  I discovered this path in Week 4, which is more than I expected and quite amazing to me.

I have decided…drum roll please…to write a children’s book.  I’m not talking about a short story with illustrations either.  I mean a book aimed at older, grade school children complete with chapters.  One night I had this idea pop into my head and I could not shake it.  It just continued to grow and pestered me to acknowledge it.  I have always heard that you should write what you know.  Well, this idea combined what I know with some other fun things (I cannot tell you my idea in the hopes that maybe one day you will buy my book and be surprised, of course).  I started researching articles on writing a book.  The more I researched, the more I realized something.  This is how I combine the organized and detailed part of myself with the creative part of my self.  In order to write the quality book I would want to write, I have a lot of work and research to do (organized-detailed Sara).  However, in order to write the story and make it interesting, I need to open myself up and tap into my unique vision of the story (creative Sara).  I’ve never considered writing before, although people have complimented me on my writing style before.  How in the world did I miss that writing was a way to combine my two selves?

Yesterday I spent almost 2 hours at the library researching and outlining.  My mind is going a million miles a minute with ideas that I keep jotting down and my detailed self has been working to put things together and asking all the appropriate questions necessary for creating a well-developed and intriguing story.  Of course there is that inner critic inside of me that wants to shut down the project but I won’t let that happen.  This is something I am meant to do and I honestly believe that.  Once I recognized this, I felt a peace and calm in my soul that I have not felt in a while.  Even if the book never gets published, as long as my boys enjoy it, I will consider it a success. 

The point to all of this is even if you don’t feel like you have a creative bone in your body I encourage you to open yourself up to possibilities.  You never know what you are capable of until you let yourself try new things, make mistakes, and learn from it.  I have tried many, MANY new art mediums and crafts.  I have made many mistakes and I have created things that are a hot mess, BUT I keep trying and will continue to do so.  If it is something I truly want to learn or I really love, I will keep at it until I get the hang of it.  We are only as busy as we let ourselves be.  There are 24 hours in a day and I make sure that I suck as much beauty and art out of every one of them, every day.  You can too.   Example of said "hot mess"...a MS Paint drawing of a Doodling Goat...

With that, I must go.  Today I am going to finish crocheting a hat for my son, research details for my book, find an awesome 80s look for Halloween tonight, and maybe eat candy until I’m sick.  What are you going to do to make this day beautiful? 

To end, here's a picture of Halloween past with me, my mom, and my little sister (about 27 years ago - yikes!).  Happy Halloween, y’all! 

The Search for the Lost Creativity

It's so easy sometimes to let life get in the way and to pull away from being creative.  For me, it makes for a sad, boring Sara.  Like everything else, it goes in spurts and when I notice it happening, I now know to get myself back on track right away.  It really does keep me sane.  Whether I'm doodling or working on a big project, I need to create every day.  If I go too long without it, I become "out of sorts".  I'll wander around the house aimlessly and just feel down in the dumps but not really know why initially.  I tend to bottle my feelings as it is so, expressing myself creatively is truly my outlet for those feelings.  I believe firmly in "use it or lose it".  If I don't "use it", I completely "lose it".  By it, I mean my grip on my life and happiness.  Sounds extreme but I'm happier when I can be creative on a regular basis. 

I have 3 children -- all boys.  I love those wild and crazy guys.  When I first had children, I lost my identity.  I became a wife and mother (which is wonderful) but I went too far with it and let that become my sole identity.  Add some working mom guilt to that, and that was me, in a nutshell.  When they were babies, I didn't notice it because babies require so much attention.  It wasn't until they started getting older that I realized I was restless.  My marriage was (and is) great and I adore my husband.  I'm a good mom.  I love my family and friends.  However, something seemed "off".  I started noticing that when my boys were old enough to play together for longer periods of time and my husband had his own hobbies, I would literally just wander around the house unsure of what to do with myself.  I felt agitated, bored, and restless.  The worst part was that I couldn't figure out why I felt like that.  My husband would suggest I get out of the house and go piddle around town.  So I would go to the craft stores or the book stores and wander for a while.  Being a young family, money was limited so I would buy a magazine here and there.  That became my weekly treat.  I'd go out on the weekends and buy a couple of magazines - fashion, art, music, etc.  I loved reading them and I saved all of them.  I'd get inspired by clothes, colors, photographs, articles.  I enjoyed having something small that I looked forward to buying and reading.

One day I started feeling antsy and I recognized it as the need to create something.  It had been a long time since I'd made anything so I was out of practice and I didn't know where to start.  It was overwhelming.  So I bought some magazines and started really noticing colors and patterns.  I started cutting things out and I found a sketch book that I would glue or tape these findings into regularly.  I would cut out photos that spoke to me in some way - whether it was funny or interesting, beautiful or ugly, offensive or bland.  I would cut out pieces of anything that had a color or pattern I felt drawn to or may want to recreate at some point.  I cut out pictures of food and clothes.  I cut out quotes and articles.  All of this went into my scrapbook until it was almost full.  Every week I would buy more magazines and, once I read through them entirely, I would start cutting and pasting.  I enjoyed looking through my scrapbook as much as I enjoyed my magazines.  It was starting to inspire me.

This went on for many months until finally I realized I needed to stop searching for inspiration and start creating some of my own.  It started small and I would create but, still go long periods where I didn't create at all. I started to get a little more creative with my magazine book.  I started cutting pieces out and putting them together in odd ways.

Eventually I came to understand that I need this to keep myself happy.  Now I make jewelry, crochet, paint, draw, sculpt wire, make mosaics, and, from my initial love of magazines, I work with collage art as well.  I love collage art because you can add so much to it to create something original.  I am noticing that collage is making it's way into my other mediums as well, whether I'm adding different items to jewelry or mixing my love of wire sculpture with crochet. 

In looking at the photos of collage art I've done, you probably can't tell how much time and how many mediums truly went into this work.  I think I love collage because it's like me...on the outside it seems pretty easy going and simple, but no one realizes how much is involved and how complex and textured it really is.  Only the people closest to it knows.  I can relate to that.

I have since grown and learned so much.  I still get lost in myself sometimes but I understand the importance of keeping a piece of me no matter what.  In the past couple of years, I've realized how important it is to me to leave my mark on this world.  I enjoy making things for people I care about that they can keep for a long time.  I enjoy selling things I create to strangers and hearing them say how much they love it.  I enjoy making things that my kids can have for years and pass down to their children.  I enjoy teaching my children different forms of art and teaching them how to look for inspiration and appreciate it.  I've developed a fiery burning inside of me.  Right now it's just an incessant need to create, learn, and grow as an artist.  One day though I know that it will be my path and my career.  For now I just have to be patient (or pretend to be anyway).

I'm just going to end this with the term "sublime chocolate experience" while I eat some fun sized chocolate bars (although I found that they aren't much fun until you eat at least 3).

Lame Super Powers

There are SO many comics, cartoons, movies, tv shows, books, etc. that are about super heroes and their amazing super powers.  I thought it would be funny to list a bunch of super powers that would be really cool to have but then severely restrict their use.  I have to give some credit to my mantastic husband as he helped me brainstorm some of these.  Without further ado, I give you...

1.  Ability to get *slightly* stronger radio or cell phone signals with your mind.

2.  Super strength that can only be used to open jars.

3.  Super speed but only when you are running to the bathroom.

4.  Super smell abilities that can only be used to definitively point out "the fellar".

5.  X-ray vision that only works when viewing old men.

6.  Telekinesis that can only be used to press 'mute' on
electronics.

7.  Ability to foresee the future but only to predict American Idol results.

8.  Ability to read minds but only the songs that get stuck in other people's heads.

9.  Ability to breathe under water but only when staying completely still, once you move you lose the ability.

10.  Ability to hack into and see visions of other people's bank accounts but only to check the available balances.

11.  Ability to fly but only if you are trying to catch birds.

12.  Invisibility cloak that is made out of the itchiest of all wool and you are deathly allergic to it.

13.  Shape shifting ability but you can only shift into the Octomom during the delivery of her many babies.

14.  Everything you touch turns to gold but it's only gold-plated.

15.  Able to leap tall buildings but you can only land barefooted on piles of Legos. 

And now, I'm off to do sort of cool things in really lame ways...

Unfocused Creativity Take 2

Living with a chronic illness (or several), in a word, SUCKS.  I live with Thyroid disease, Fibromyalgia, and Essential Tremor Disorder.  Each of them bring their own challenges.  The most challenging one for me to live with is Fibro.  The sheer enormity of the symptoms can be overwhelming.  My symptoms can be severe and debilitating.  If you want to know more about the insane amount of things Fibro does to your body, you can click on this link here http://www.fmnetnews.com/basics-symptoms.php  I have most of these symptoms plus some bonus symptoms.

Currently I feel like I was hit by a bus.  This particular bus waits until I actually have fun plans on a weekend and then comes out of nowhere and BAM!  Once it runs me over, I'm pretty sure it backs up and does it a couple more times for good measure.

I have a wonderfully supportive family and great group of friends.  I'm very thankful for that.  My kids are old enough now that they are starting to understand a little more and I can speak candidly about why I'm sick so often.  I'm also very fortunate to be able to work from home every day.  I work in a fairly stressful profession and I'm the sole provider for my family of five, so that takes its toll on my body, but not having a commute is a blessing.  My husband stays at home with the kids and has a sports card business.  As dramatic as it sounds, I honestly do not know what I would do without him.  He was sent by God, that much I'm sure.

I am a very positive person and I don't like to be fussed over most of the time.  There are many people much worse off than me and I'm well aware of that.  Still, the most challenging thing of being sick so often is trying to keep these illnesses from completely taking over my identity.  Most of the time I can manage this pretty well but during really bad days or flares, it is a struggle.  When I'm really sick, I lose most of my ability to be creative.  I have been able to create a couple of cartoons on my laptop during some recent flares though.  It's been therapeutic to personify Fibro and to lighten up when I'm feeling so poorly.

My life has completely changed as a result of having chronic illnesses.  I have to take a lot of medicines.  I have to see doctors regularly.  The biggest change though is having to think about, literally, everything I do. If you don't have a chronic illness, that just sounds like something everyone has to do but it's much more than that. I can't call in sick to life on a regular basis.  There are a lot of days that I have to take it hour by hour, minute by minute.  For example, on a day where I feel really badly - terrible exhaustion, pain coursing through my body, terrible nausea, dizziness, headaches, chest pains, etc. - I may not have the luxury to stay in bed that day (no matter how much my body is begging me to do so).  I have to work, I have to get kids ready for school, I have to be there for my family...I can't just phone it in because I don't know how long this "bad day" will last.  Will I feel a little better the next day or will this be one of those flares that lasts for weeks?  The thing with an illness like this is, even with rest, you don't feel better.  So let's say I have a bad day, here's an example of what I mean about thinking about every task that day.

1.  Wake up -- sounds easy enough.  However, my body is very stiff in the morning and usually my joints and my neck are hurting a lot.  I don't wake up refreshed so I'm usually exhausted and nauseous upon waking.  This is when I have that fight in my head.  Everyone has had this fight when they have been sick at some point.

2.  Moving -- I know, I know, that's dramatic, but I have to think it through because it requires energy that I might not have and I have to move slow.  If I just jumped up out of bed, I could very likely get so dizzy that I could faint or I could just put myself in a lot of pain.

3.  Shower -- if it's a particularly bad day, I might forego the shower so that I have enough energy to get the kids ready for school, make some coffee, and have a little time to rest before work.  This is one perk of working from home.  If I do that, then I will try to shower at lunch time or in the evening.  Ah hell, sometimes it's the next morning.  I do have good hygiene though - promise.

4.  Get dressed.  This requires energy and, what I wear depends on what hurts or how stiff my body is.  If I'm having a pretty good day, I will attempt cuteness and throw on some jeans and a cute top.  If it's a semi-bad day, then it will probably be some comfy pants and a t-shirt.  On a terrible day, I still try to change out of my PJs but it may have to be a really stretchy shirt with a wide collar.  This is because I may be in too much pain to reach up over my head for very long so I need to be able to wrangle my way into it as easily as possible.

5.  Take pills - easy enough provided I drink enough water.  I currently have an awesome side effect from a new medication that is causing a loud ringing in my ear and has reduced my hearing.  Yay me. 

6.  Make coffee -- at this point in the morning, it seems like coffee making is a freakin' marathon but I'm sure that's true of "normal people" too.

7.  Kids/Dogs/Sign School Stuff/Breakfasts/Lunches/Whirlwind -- on bad days, I just have to bark orders out from the recliner.  I'm not sure why the morning routine seems to be a surprise to everyone each morning.  That's why it's called a ROUTINE.  The routine here is the kids having the attention spans of gnats and then acting surprised that I expect them to do the same things they did the morning before and in a similar amount of time.  But I digress. 

8.  Rest and mentally prepare for work.  This is an essential step on particularly bad days. 

9.  Walk to my office and start the work day.  Like most normal people, the majority of my energy is spent here.  Unlike normal people, the majority of my energy is *literally* spent here.  On bad days, I may have to leave my office at 5:00 and go to bed.  If the older kids have practices, my husband may need to take them and then I have to lie down on the couch so I can spend time with my youngest.  I hate that I don't have more to give after work but I take some peace in knowing that I'm providing for my family and so that's a good way for my energy to be spent on each day. 

10. Make dinner, take kids to sports practice, bedtime routines, some sort of chore (let's say put laundry away), or do something fun.  On a good day, I have to make a choice here because I can't do everything.  These are pretty minor things to a healthy person but think about when you had a really bad case of the flu or even, when you were recovering from a bad case of the flu, how big did these "minor" things suddenly feel to you?  On a really bad day, I may be only able to pick one thing, if that.   Again, my husband should run for sainthood because he is quick to pick up the slack on my really bad days.  All other days, I will muster everything I have to get through as many responsibilities as possible.  I don't want everything to fall onto my husband on a regular basis.  Some days it's essential for my choice to be 'do something fun' and let the rest slide.  A person could go crazy otherwise.

To really help you understand how crucial each decision is every day, there is a wonderful essay called "The Spoon Theory".  It was written by a lady who has Lupus but was written to explain living with any chronic illness. It explains things better than anything I've read so far.  In our household, we often refer to spoons now.  http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/ 

Planning is key when you're chronically ill but you also have to accept that plans have to be broken sometimes too.  I hate breaking plans but I'm learning that sometimes I have to do it and I'm slowly starting to ease the guilt I feel about it.  Fibro is a very unpredictable illness.  Sure, if I overdo it one day I expect to feel badly the next day, but sometimes, I'll have a bad day (or week) out of nowhere.  I try to ration my energy for days leading up to big plans. 

For instance, my husband and I have tickets to a football game that we've had for months and this game means a great deal to him.  I realize that this game is going to take a lot out of me due to the amount of walking we'll have to do, stairs at the stadium, sitting in a hard chair for hours, and just being around a lot of people can be draining.  I recognize this so I need to prepare.  I rest a little extra in the days leading up to the game.  The day before the game, I do very little to try and conserve my energy.  Then, when we get home from the game, I do very little the rest of that evening so I can rest before the work week starts again.  Sometimes this approach is very helpful and, while I know I may feel ill for a few days after the event, it will be worth it.  Sounds easy enough, right?  Well, this particular plan of attack is completely blown out of the water when my symptoms all suddenly and severely flare up for unknown reasons.  Two days before the game, I'm suddenly hit by that proverbial bus again.  I rest, I try to sleep more, but I'm so sick that I have to call in sick to work (which I typically try to avoid at all costs).  The football game is the next day and I struggle to sit in a recliner rather than just stay in bed.  I have no idea if I'll feel up to leaving the house, much less going to a game in the next 24 hours.  These are the plan changers that I struggle most to accept.  I have to try and accept that I may not get to go to this game that we've been looking forward to for months.  So my new plan is to try not to stress over it, keep resting and hoping that 24 hours will bring the energy I need, and I have to accept that it may not happen.  The other part of my plan is to make sure my husband doesn't miss out because of me.  I let him know that I want him to go with or without me - whether he goes alone, with a friend, a family member, whatever.  I am completely sincere in that I want him to enjoy himself even if I can't.  He is too important and too wonderful to have to miss something that means so much to him because of my illness.

There is also a small amount of panic when a plan comes up that I know will be tough to manage.  Because I save so much of my energy to be able to provide for my family, my free time usually needs to be low key.  Probably one of my biggest struggles in attempting to keep my illnesses from taking over my identity is avoiding really living my life because I have to save my energy for my responsibilities.  I don't want it to be like that at all.  I want to live and not just exist.  I'm constantly working with my doctors to find a treatment plan that is going to help me best manage my symptoms and get back to living my life again.  There is no cure for any of my illnesses so it's all trial and error.  In the meantime, it's imperative that I save my energy for providing for my family and being the best wife and mother I can be with what little energy I have.  I'll also keep squeezing in some creating while I am at it. 

I am one happy lady in that I am married to a man I adore, I have 3 beautiful, healthy children, a wonderful family, and great friends.  So I have some difficulties in my day to day life, who doesn't?  I am on a quest to live the best life I can live and to reach my dreams.  I'll get there, illness and all.  It might take me a little longer but I'll get there.

Unfocused Creativity Take 1

What do I blog about?  My body is figuratively bursting with unfocused creativity (it may turn literal at some point).  I will focus on not having a focus.  Maybe along the way, I will find my focus in the art world.  I have been wanting to join the blog world for quite a while, with a couple of half-hearted attempts.  I was lamenting to my husband "What will I talk about?  What do people want to hear from me?"  He said "You should talk about ridiculous stuff because you are really good at that."  That man is a sweet talker.  He has a point though so I think I will just write about what ever is in my head.

I love robots.  Let me clarify.  I love VERY primitive robots.  I love to draw and wire sculpt VERY primitive robots.  If I were to lie down on a therapist's couch to search for the root of my robot obsession, I'm going to guess it started when I was around the age of 9.  While other little girls were dressing up like princesses, ladybugs, etc, I decided to be a robot.  My dad helped me with my costume.  It was very high tech for its time.  It's normal for a 9 year old girl to dress up like a robot, right?

I was thrilled with the results.  I had some sweet robot moves and I was all set to 000011100011000  (that's robot for "get me some candy").  In my head, I had this aura of awesomeness around me and everyone was going to be so jealous that they didn't think of dressing up like a robot.

My school had a Halloween parade so, not only would I get to go trick or treating in this costume, but I would get to parade around the block in broad daylight.  There was just one problem.  I was an extremely shy child and attention was something I avoided.  My creative (i.e. weird) mind sometimes forgot about this fact.  I was so excited to create this costume that I forgot about the attention being the only robot would bring.  Suddenly the cute little girls wearing princess costumes didn't seem so lame to me.  While I don't have any photos of the parade (I may or may not have tried to hide from cameras), I think it would have looked something like this...
God love my Mom - she was proud of me no matter what!  I have to hand it to my Mom and Dad.  They never made me feel weird or like I should hide my creative side.  They loved me and my weirdness no matter what. 

I'm blogged out for now so I'll catch y'all on the flip side.  Here's one more robot drawing for you though.  Enjoy.