The Search for the Lost Creativity

It's so easy sometimes to let life get in the way and to pull away from being creative.  For me, it makes for a sad, boring Sara.  Like everything else, it goes in spurts and when I notice it happening, I now know to get myself back on track right away.  It really does keep me sane.  Whether I'm doodling or working on a big project, I need to create every day.  If I go too long without it, I become "out of sorts".  I'll wander around the house aimlessly and just feel down in the dumps but not really know why initially.  I tend to bottle my feelings as it is so, expressing myself creatively is truly my outlet for those feelings.  I believe firmly in "use it or lose it".  If I don't "use it", I completely "lose it".  By it, I mean my grip on my life and happiness.  Sounds extreme but I'm happier when I can be creative on a regular basis. 

I have 3 children -- all boys.  I love those wild and crazy guys.  When I first had children, I lost my identity.  I became a wife and mother (which is wonderful) but I went too far with it and let that become my sole identity.  Add some working mom guilt to that, and that was me, in a nutshell.  When they were babies, I didn't notice it because babies require so much attention.  It wasn't until they started getting older that I realized I was restless.  My marriage was (and is) great and I adore my husband.  I'm a good mom.  I love my family and friends.  However, something seemed "off".  I started noticing that when my boys were old enough to play together for longer periods of time and my husband had his own hobbies, I would literally just wander around the house unsure of what to do with myself.  I felt agitated, bored, and restless.  The worst part was that I couldn't figure out why I felt like that.  My husband would suggest I get out of the house and go piddle around town.  So I would go to the craft stores or the book stores and wander for a while.  Being a young family, money was limited so I would buy a magazine here and there.  That became my weekly treat.  I'd go out on the weekends and buy a couple of magazines - fashion, art, music, etc.  I loved reading them and I saved all of them.  I'd get inspired by clothes, colors, photographs, articles.  I enjoyed having something small that I looked forward to buying and reading.

One day I started feeling antsy and I recognized it as the need to create something.  It had been a long time since I'd made anything so I was out of practice and I didn't know where to start.  It was overwhelming.  So I bought some magazines and started really noticing colors and patterns.  I started cutting things out and I found a sketch book that I would glue or tape these findings into regularly.  I would cut out photos that spoke to me in some way - whether it was funny or interesting, beautiful or ugly, offensive or bland.  I would cut out pieces of anything that had a color or pattern I felt drawn to or may want to recreate at some point.  I cut out pictures of food and clothes.  I cut out quotes and articles.  All of this went into my scrapbook until it was almost full.  Every week I would buy more magazines and, once I read through them entirely, I would start cutting and pasting.  I enjoyed looking through my scrapbook as much as I enjoyed my magazines.  It was starting to inspire me.

This went on for many months until finally I realized I needed to stop searching for inspiration and start creating some of my own.  It started small and I would create but, still go long periods where I didn't create at all. I started to get a little more creative with my magazine book.  I started cutting pieces out and putting them together in odd ways.

Eventually I came to understand that I need this to keep myself happy.  Now I make jewelry, crochet, paint, draw, sculpt wire, make mosaics, and, from my initial love of magazines, I work with collage art as well.  I love collage art because you can add so much to it to create something original.  I am noticing that collage is making it's way into my other mediums as well, whether I'm adding different items to jewelry or mixing my love of wire sculpture with crochet. 

In looking at the photos of collage art I've done, you probably can't tell how much time and how many mediums truly went into this work.  I think I love collage because it's like me...on the outside it seems pretty easy going and simple, but no one realizes how much is involved and how complex and textured it really is.  Only the people closest to it knows.  I can relate to that.

I have since grown and learned so much.  I still get lost in myself sometimes but I understand the importance of keeping a piece of me no matter what.  In the past couple of years, I've realized how important it is to me to leave my mark on this world.  I enjoy making things for people I care about that they can keep for a long time.  I enjoy selling things I create to strangers and hearing them say how much they love it.  I enjoy making things that my kids can have for years and pass down to their children.  I enjoy teaching my children different forms of art and teaching them how to look for inspiration and appreciate it.  I've developed a fiery burning inside of me.  Right now it's just an incessant need to create, learn, and grow as an artist.  One day though I know that it will be my path and my career.  For now I just have to be patient (or pretend to be anyway).

I'm just going to end this with the term "sublime chocolate experience" while I eat some fun sized chocolate bars (although I found that they aren't much fun until you eat at least 3).