Three Positives for a Negative

Last year I attended an intense 4-day leadership workshop as part of my job. One of the activities we had to do was to get up in front of the group and the two trainers and do or say something that would inspire the trainers to stand up. If they both stood up, you could cross to the other side of the room and sit down. If they did not stand up, you had to go back to the rest of the group who had not crossed yet and get back in line to try again. People did all sorts of things to get across – singing, dancing, telling funny stories, telling personal stories and crying, etc. The trainers did not make it easy to get across. As I stood there trying to think of what to do, I noticed that my tremors were particularly bad that day and being a little anxious made them worse. I don’t like to share a lot of personal information in a group like that and telling a sob story is just not my thing. Finally it came to me to just be myself. I have challenges but I am a very positive person so I decided to use that. That’s where my idea of Three Positives for a Negative came to be.

I walked up in front of the group and said, “I am a positive person. I have challenges but, for every negative, I can come up with three positives to offset it.” Then I held up my hand, which was shaking like crazy at this point, and said, “I have a disorder that causes hand tremors. It’s more of a nuisance than anything else and it will probably get worse as I get older. That’s the negative.” Typically I don’t share much personal information with coworkers and I’m pretty good at hiding my tremors so I saw shock on their faces as they watched my hand shake. I looked at the group and then said, “So the positives? I can double click a computer mouse like a champion, play the tambourine, and shake an unopened bottle of juice like nobody’s business.” The trainers stood up. Everyone burst into laughter right after the “mouse” comment and nobody actually heard the other two positives. Later, people had to ask me the other two since they did not hear them. I felt really proud of myself after that. It truly was a life changing moment for me.

I was thinking about what I wanted to share in my blog today. The three positives and a negative popped up in my head. I am not feeling well today and I woke up with a swollen eye (not sure why) but it’s a beautiful day, I opened windows, and my boys are laughing and having fun. The positives changed my outlook on what could have been a “Woe is me” day.

Why three positives? Why not just one positive to out weigh a negative? I think sometimes negatives can carry a lot of weight. We get bogged down in the negative because that is what seems to stand out the most. Negatives have a tendency to wipe out the positives. I think it takes at least three positives to make one think, “I guess I don’t have it that bad after all.” Here’s an example – financial trouble, more specifically, you have a large medical bill and currently can’t afford to pay it. That can be very worrisome. Let’s say you counter financial trouble with “well, at least I have my beautiful children”. That helps a little but that financial trouble is still weighing on you. So let’s add a second, “well, at least I have my beautiful children and we can play outside for free in this beautiful weather.” Not bad but you still feel kind of half-hearted about the positives outweighing the negatives. Let’s add just one more, “I have my beautiful children, we can play outside for free in this beautiful weather, and it’s the weekend so I can relax and enjoy!” I think we just kicked the negative’s ass right there.

My point is, your outlook is a choice. You can choose to feel sorry for yourself and dwell on the negatives but, if you open your eyes, you might find that things aren’t as bad as you think they are. It doesn’t mean you solve all of your problems or ignore them, it simply means you live in the moment. Come up with a plan to live with or fix the negatives but they don’t have to consume your entire life. The positives are like ninjas, lurking in the shadows, but if you summon them, they will assassinate the negative (or at least maim it).

Below are my positives for today – what are yours?

Happy Birthday to Jay

At midnight tonight, it will be thirty-three years since the world set into motion the greatest blessing that was ever to come my way.  My husband, Jay, was born. 

We met when we were twenty years old and were married within nine months.  Most people did not think we stood a chance at lasting but we’re working on year thirteen now and could not be happier.  Just less than two years later we welcomed our first son.  We now have three beautiful, healthy boys.  Jay chose to become a stay at home dad when my career took an upswing.  He left a job he had held for many years at a well known company to do what was right for his family.  Since then he has also built the beginnings of a great business doing what he loves, selling football cards and memorabilia.  Our boys have also grown to love football to be more like Daddy.  By his actions alone, he teaches them every day to follow their dreams.

Life has not always been easy for us despite how happy we are.  Along the way we lost two pregnancies and were devastated by each loss.  Despite his own grief, Jay was my rock and helped me through it.  We have weathered any storm together and have grown stronger as a result.  We have also laughed, loved, and lived more than I thought was possible.

When our third son was born, I had some complications that resulted in an emergency c-section.  I was terrified and worried about my baby boy but Jay was, once again, my rock.  Our baby came out healthy but my body suffered.  I quickly began losing blood and Jay stayed by my side in the operating room until I drifted into unconsciousness.  I woke up five hours later to learn that it was a miracle I made it out of the operating room alive.  Thanks to a very skilled doctor, an emergency hysterectomy, and a blood transfusion to replace almost five pints of blood, I made it through.  While physically, the night was roughest on me.  I believe my Jay had a more difficult night.  He was ushered into an adjoining room and handed our newborn baby boy.  They did not have time to take our son to the nursery as is usually done after birth.  My husband sat in that room, alone with his newborn, for hours.  Occasionally a nurse would rush in to give him an update.  He sat there frightened that he would be raising our three boys alone.  For all that my body went through that night, Jay had the tougher time.    He still does not like to talk about it much and that was almost five years ago.  He never forgets a chance to tell me he appreciates and loves me.  I’m so thankful to still be here and share my life with him.

Since then my body has not completely recovered and I have developed several chronic illnesses.  Our life is not exactly what I thought it would be due to my illnesses but Jay does not complain.  We have learned to appreciate the simple things and have made adjustments when needed.  He is still my rock and I cannot believe how lucky I am to have him.  He is so unselfish when it comes to me.  If I could return just half of the love and support he has given to me over the years, I would feel like I could give him the world.

So, to the kindest, warmest, funniest, smartest, and most endearing man I’ve ever known, I say Happy Birthday.  I love you with all of my heart.  My world is a brighter place because of you.  Happy Birthday, Jay!